Fucking ricardo just came back and wants to take ari to mn wtf i just wanna kill him why does he have to be such an asshole??!! The only good thing is that my mom is here now to keep me company she's been here almost a month.
I finally went to the doctor everything seems fine but they told me im expecting a girl and i cant help but be a little upset over it because i really wanted a boy!!!!!! :( i dont know what i am gonna do with a girl. I am about 6 months now and ive only gained like 10 lbs i hope i dont get too fat :/
i feel like the life has been sucked out of me i've lost my son to his piece of shit dad and i'm 3 months pregnant. I'm also in a relationship that i once loved but now wish i could get out of i no longer feel content in it. I've thought alot about s. lately i find it very hard to go on with my life when i feel so depressed i feel i have nothing to live for besides i've lost interest in everything that used to make me feel good.
i am alone now i dont get along with my parents so i can't rely on them except my mom. I don't have any other family and i certainly dont have friends. I have a bf that is married to someone else i feel like i can't even talk to him about my problems without him feeling bad or taking it personally. I feel like i suck as a mom and even though i miss my son he is probably better with his dad i'm expecting another baby in march and i haven't even been to the doctor yet i'm terrified of going and i dont know how i am gonna deal with another baby when i'm so fuckin depressed.
so my mom doesn't want me hanging out with k anymore omg i just wanna fuckin die!! i don't wanna be without k i'll seriously die without them i need them in my life so bad. i wish things would of never turned out the way that they have i hate my life so much at the moment. today i get out for spring break but i don't even give a damn.
I'm at school right now which is so weird. i really never thought i'd even be at school. So far i'm loving it. Today when i got to school i went online and i read some e-mails that K wrote to me OMG wtf i want everything to be good between us!!! tomorrow is v-day and they told me that they are expecting something i don't know if i'm gonna buy anything cause i am so broke.
A few weeks ago i fooled around with some guy it was horrible. I never wanna do that again!!! last month i moved out with my mom we are now living on our own which is kinda surreal. Today i have a job interview i hope to God that i get the job!!! i need money soo bad! ok well i guess that's it for now. i hope i get the clase 406/rebelde dvd's today! chao!!!
So i think that i have finally found happiness for once. After trying to be happy for so many years i am finally happy. Even though i do feel sooo much like crap right about now!! On friday was someone special's birthday. They invited me to their b-day party but i didn't go for some very stupid-ass reasons. I guess they were pretty upset about it and i don't blame them one bit. I feel horrible about it. But i really really did not want to go cause i don't really like their friends and i really didn't think i was gonna stand being them. Also i hate being around people that i don't know very well it makes me get all panicky and scared and nervous and i hate feeling that way.
Then like on saturday yesterday i called them and their aunt picked up and she was all asking me why i didn't go to the party i was so embarrassed. I didn't really know what to say. Then later that special person finally called me back and we talk and wow they were soooo pissed off, well not really pissed but hurt. I really hurt their feelings by not going. I don't really know what i'm gonna do to make it up to them. Then they invited me to go to church with them today and i don't really wanna go but i am gonna go cause then they'll get even more pissed at me. I'm kinda scared to go though cause their mom and aunt are gonna be asking me like 2347832875834654389 times why i didn't go to the party.Blah i feel like crap.
OMG I weigh 121-122 holy crap i really never though i weigh that ever again. I still wanna lose like 20 more pounds even though everyone tells me i'm crazy but i don't care. I think 100 lbs is a reasonable weight for someone that's 5'3".
Hmm i've been thinking about daniela alot and i've realized that i don;t miss her. I don't really need her as a friend at all. A few hours earlier i was watching some old homevideo of her and i and ugh i can't stand her.I'm sooooooooo much happier without her.
I started talking to martha again which is awesome. she was like my best friend from like 5th-10th grade. She is also probably the person that i trust the most other than K. But i trust martha more cause i've known her since like 2nd grade or something. I trust K alot too but not in the same way.
I just realized that all my friends are totally different kind of friends. Like some i trust with all my heart almost. Then others i mostly only talk to when we hang out but i talk alot more nonsense stuff with them than i do with the friends that i trust the most.i really wish i had a friend that was a guy but i'm sooo freakin shy around guys which sucks ass. These are the friends that i trust the most
1.Martha(i've been close to her since i was 10 so yeah we go way back) 2.K( i loooooove her sooooooo much even though she'll never know how much, she has taught me soo many things. But she's also hurt me alot!!! but i still love her and she means the world to me) 3. Daniela(we dont talk anymore but if we did i'd probably still trust her somewhat) 4.alicia/ashley(i'm not that close to them but it's cool to hang out with them.
I really need a new bf/gf which ever will do just fine lol. I'm so sad,annoyed, and confused over the fact that this relationship might just be over as of now even though we haven't officially broken it off. Like really what the hell yesterday i was talking to them online and they were like "what do you think about not seeing each other for a whole month?" ok WTF we're a couple!! we're supposed to at least see each other once a week. But if you don't wanna see me for a whole effin' month then we might as well end things. And they responded to me with "well i think it's a good idea and wellthat's life", Goddamn that pissed me off, especially cause i didn't do or at least i don't think i did anything to deserve this. Except maybe wanting to talk to them on the phone for more than an hour but i don't think that's such a bad thing especially since we only see each other once a week.Ugh i really seriously think that they're seeing someone else or are interested in someone else. What also annoys me is that they tell me that they "love me" bull-fuckin'-shit ugh don't say it and then treat me like crap saying you don't wanna see me for a whole effin' month. Almost 2 weeks i dumped them but i felt bad and they begged me to take them back so i did like a dumbass but now i kinda wish that i had left things just the way they were. I should of never taken them back!
Thank God for hanson yesterday if i wouldn't of seen them i would of cut my effin arm off. I had a great time at the concert but it would of been a million times better if i hadn't been thinking about my significant other but i couldn't get them out of my mind. Today is our 5 1/2 month anniversary and to be honest i'm really amazed we've been together for this long, especially since we've broken up like 94823948324923827348 times, ok maybe only 3-4 times. But i know they'll eventually dump me soon cause of the lack of sex but f---- no i'm waiting till marriage besides they aren't worth losing it for.
ugh i'm sooooooo so so so fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' pissed off that daniela and k are starting to talk!!!! that makes me sooo mad. Like i can't fuckin' stand daniela at all. i fuckin' hate that bitch. And i don't want her talking or hanging out with k at all. That dumb fuckin' bitch i can't stand her! then i also don't want k to talk to effin' daniela and now they are asking me if daniela will give them a ride. hell no! i don't even want them in the same fuckin' place together. Daniela hurt me soooooooooooooo fuckin' much and i don't want k hanging out with her or talking to her. But if i tell them that then they'll just tell me that i'm jealous maybe so but i'm also still very hurt over the crap that daniela did to me!!!! Ugh i don't know what to do. Like i don't wanna end the relationship with k over this. But i don't know it just pisses me off that they'd talk/hang out with someone that hurt me alot. Cause i sure as hell bet that k wouldn't want me to talk/hang out with someone that they hate either. I don't really "hate" daniela but i'm just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fuckin' pissed at her and i'm also starting to get pissed at k for doing this to me.
Current Mood: calm Current Music: breathe on me-britney spears
I weigh 129 lbs. that's my lowest weight in like 6 yrs lol i weigh less now than i did when i was 12 yay! exactly a year ago today i weighed 166 lbs. which was my highest weight ever damn!i was a pig! aww i'm so happy. I hope i get down to my goal weight of 110-115 lbs =)